“God, how do I know if You are really directing me like this? You still haven’t provided what I need! If You haven’t provided, does that mean this isn’t Your will? Or are You just trying to stretch my faith? What if I step out in faith and then You leave me hanging and don’t provide for my needs? What do I do then?”
That’s a quote from my journal, written about 2 weeks before I left for the Missionary Training Center. I had graduated from college debt-free (in May), but without a cent to my name. I worked at camp for a summer (running the Gift and Coffee Shop), and that money was going to help cover some of the funds for training ($2600 a semester), but I knew it still wouldn’t be enough. Plus I still didn’t have a car for training. I really wrestled in my heart, wondering if I was really doing what God wanted me to do, wondering if God was really going to provide. I asked God to hurry up and provide for me so that I could then step out and follow Him. I didn’t want to step out in faith unless He first showed up and provided for me.
But is that how it works?
In my reading through the Bible in 90 days, I recently came across the passage in Joshua 3, where the Israelites are getting ready to cross the Jordan river (at flood stage). The priests are instructed to step into the water so that God will part the waters before them for the Israelites to cross the river on dry ground. God doesn’t part the waters and provide a way for them through the river until the priests actually step out in faith and their feet touch the water.
In essence, that’s what I had to do when I came here to the MTC. I finally quit doubting God and decided to step out in faith, trusting that He would provide for me once I took that step of faith. My feet “touched the water”, and I felt the panic rise in me–would God provide? Would He show Himself faithful this time? Or would I get swept into the raging river?
I stepped out, and He showed up. God provided for me far beyond what I ever could have imagined. The night before I left for training, God provided a car. Throughout the semester, God has provided for my training expenses in ways that blow my mind. I’ve never known where the money for the next month will come from, but God has proven Himself faithful over and over and over again.
Even now, as I write this, I am in the midst of seeing God provide for me in some incredible ways. My computer died on Tuesday of this week, and right away, I told God, “Well, God, I know You’re going to have to provide, because I don’t have the money to even finish the semester here, much less buy a computer.” And He has provided–in fact, I’m overwhelmed by His provision. He’s provided a computer, the rest of this semester’s training fee, money for food and gas, help with getting the information off my dead computer, and the list goes on and on.
Though some may consider it foolish to live so dependent on God, my feeble faith has grown so much through all this. I know God has led me here, so I will continue to step out in faith and see how He provides. I can’t see what lies on the other side, but this is where I am…feet touching the water in faith, watching and waiting to see God show up and do incredible things.